This Is Who I Am
by liz4eva89
Summary: When Riley's mom caught Zane and Riley kissing, Riley was horrifed. How will it effect his and Zane's realtionship? Will his fathers homophobia and his mothers denial take its toll? Why does Riley feel so many regrets? *based on the new 2010 promo*
1. Chapter 1

Zane had never come over to Riley's house before. Sure, maybe a couple times when he had stopped by to pick something up when they were hanging out, but other than that Zane was new to the Stavros household and Riley was excited.

"Hey Mom, I'm home." Riley called as he closed the front door behind him.

"Hi Honey," Mrs. Stavros said, emerging from the kitchen with the ever-present dishtowel in her hands. "Oh! I didn't know you brought a friend home."

"Good afternoon Mrs. Stavros. I'm Zane. Nice to meet you," he said, extending his hand with his signature blinding smile.

"It's a pleasure." she said, shaking his hand. "Would you two like some snacks?"

"Yeah sure Ma, we'll be in my room." Riley said inching away. His mom waved him off, returning to the kitchen, and Riley and Zane walked down the hallway.

Once the door to his room was closed, Riley tossed his book bag on the floor just as Zane lay back on his bed, which was something Riley found quite sexy.

"Ignore the mess," he said as he pulled his spinning desk chair closer towards his bed. Zane took in the clothes strewn across the room. They were everywhere, covering Riley's weight lifting bench, his desk, his dresser, the floor even.

"I don't understand how you can live like this, in this mess." Zane cringed. "Doesn't it drive you crazy?"

"Eh, I'm used to it." He shrugged, plopping down into the chair. Zane sat up and pulled a bunch of textbooks out of his bag.

"Do we really have to do homework?" Riley sighed.

"_Yes_, unless you want to fail math." Zane said. Riley grimaced. "We can always take breaks."

"Fine," Riley agreed. "But I'm probably already failing math…"

Merely minutes later, Riley was already bored. He glanced down at his paper; he had about one and a half problems done. He glanced at Zane's and saw he was more than halfway done. He frowned when he glanced back at his own paper.

"How did I get so lucky?" Riley said, coming to sit down next to Zane. "You're smart, athletic, and good looking. You're probably one of the nicest people I've ever met. You're perfect."

"Don't forget you have charms of your own Stavros. You're sweet when you want to be. You're passionate and caring. And you're pretty good looking yourself." Zane poked Riley in the ribs. "I'm really glad you came out." Zane said staring Riley straight in the eyes, suddenly serious.

"Me too," Riley said leaning in and pressing his lips to Zane's. Everytime they kissed it felt like the first time, nerve wracking and full of passion.

All of a sudden the door burst open, "Snacks for the study buddies," Mrs. Stavros said with a smile, a plate of cookies in one hand. Zane bolted off the bed and her smile fell as she looked upon her son's horrified face with realization.

"Mom what are you doing?" Riley yelled.

"Just…bringing some snacks," she gulped. "I'll be in the kitchen" she said and hurried out the door.

Riley placed his head in his hands. "Is there a possibility she didn't-," he started, looking up at Zane hopefully.

"No Riley, she saw everything."


	2. Chapter 2

Zane had left shortly after, and Riley cautiously walked into the kitchen.

"Mom…?" he said quietly. Her back was to him and she was washing dishes. The plate of cookies, which had long gone cold, sat on the countertop a few inches from the sink, untouched.

"Hi Hun." she said.

"Are you…doing okay…considering what you, um, saw earlier?"

"What are you talking about? I saw you and your little friend studying away. Maybe you'll get all your homework done for once."

"I get all my….hey, that's not the point. You didn't see anything else?"

"Was there something I wasn't supposed to see? You better not be doing drugs Riley."

"I'm not Ma, don't worry. I'll be, uh, in my room." he said.

Riley shook his head. He was pretty sure his mom had seen him and Zane kiss, Zane even confirmed it. So why was she acting like nothing had happened?

…

As he lay on the bed staring at the ceiling Riley heard the front door shut and he knew his father was home.

He wanted so badly to call Zane, just to talk and hear his voice. He usually did at this time, but something stopped him. Riley guessed it was because he was uncomfortable that his mom had caught them kissing.

Riley heard a knock on his door and it opened slowly.

"Son, we need to talk." Mr. Stavros said.

Riley nodded and followed him to the living room couch.

"Your mother told me about what happened today." He said. Mr. Stavros was not a man known to waste time and Riley, unfortunately, knew that well.

"Can you explain to me what this is about?"

"I think you know." Riley said softly.

"My son can't be gay." He said sternly. "What happened to the boy who plays football? To the boy who was on the cross country team and could run miles? To the boy I used to play catch with?"

"Dad, I'm the same person."

"No you're not the same. What you are, you're a freak. It defies nature. Its… it's disgusting. I can barley even look at you."

Riley took a sharp breath, trying to will every muscle not to punch his father in the face. He found it so ironic that he had said those same things to himself. He used to be so homophobic. He hated himself. And now, when he finally accepted himself, his parents had to screw it all up. The worst part was he felt regret. He shouldn't feel regret about coming out. Should he?

"This conversation is over." Mr. Stavros said, stood up, and walked into the den, not even giving Riley a second glance.


	3. Chapter 3

"Zane, I don't know what to do," Riley sighed as Zane sipped his coffee. The two were seated at the Dot the next day after school. "My mom's in denial, pretending like nothing happened, and my dad…"

"…is homophobic?"

Riley nodded.

"Look, why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight."

"That sounds great. Are you sure?"

"Definitely. My mom is dying to meet you anyways."

…

Riley could already feel his palms sweating as he and Zane approached the front door of Zane's apartment.

"Riley, calm down" Zane said, placing his hand on Riley's shoulder. The touch instantly relaxed his tense muscles.

Before Zane could even reach for the knob, the door flew open to reveal Ms. Park, a huge smile on her face.

"Oh Riley, it's so good to meet you!" she said, pulling him to a bear hug. "I'm so happy to finally meet Zane's boyfriend. I've heard so much about you!"

"All good things don't worry." Zane said.

Riley was in shock. He didn't expect Zane's mom to be so open and welcoming. But then again, she was _Zane's_ mom, so maybe he shouldn't have been surprised.

"Come in, come in! Dinner is on the table," she smiled and bounced away.

Riley looked around as he made his way to the table. Zane was clearly upper middle-class borderline upper-class; the apartment was high-end and tasteful. A small chandelier hung over the glass dining table and the couch looked like it was made of black leather.

"Surprised?" Zane smirked, glancing at Riley's face. "My dad left us a bunch of money when he …passed away."

"I'm—," Riley started.

"Don't be sorry, things happen, life happens."

"You've never said anything…" Riley said lamely.

"Nothing needed to be said," he shrugged taking a seat.

"So Riley," Mrs. Park said, coming to the table with a pan of lasagna. "You're on the football team with Zane, am I right?"

"Yeah, I'm the quarterback. Zane's a great kicker."

"Oooh, Zane! You didn't tell me you were dating the quarterback!" she squealed, and Zane rolled his eyes.

"I'll be right back. I'm going to run to the bathroom." Zane said standing up. Once he was gone, Riley leaned across the table, "May I ask you a question?" Riley whispered.

"You just did sweetie, but go ahead."

"How are you so accepting about Zane?"

Ms. Park looked at him with sympathy, "Parent troubles?" He nodded.

"As a mother, it's my duty to be there for him whenever he needs me. He's my little baby boy and I love him. And that love should hold out no matter what. It shouldn't matter what race people are, what religion people practice, what a person's sexuality is…the point is, at the end of the day we are all _people_. And as long as Zane is happy and confident with whom he is I'm happy."

Riley then noticed Zane had returned to the table. How long he had been sitting there, he didn't know. Zane reached for Riley's hand and he accepted it.

"Thank you," he told Ms. Park as he slowly brought a bite of lasagna to his mouth. No one spoke since everyone knew Riley needed time to think. It would have been easier to think alone, but Riley was hesitant to leave.

Minutes ticked away and Riley noticed there was no more food on his plate. He must have absentmindedly eaten it all.

"Riley, would you like to stay for dessert?" Ms. Park asked.

"I would love to." He smiled, and for once he felt at home. He felt accepted.


	4. Chapter 4

Riley returned home late that night. His parents were asleep, so he had to quietly sneak around, which was something he wasn't very good at, to get to his room.

He really hadn't wanted to go home and face his parents. Zane knew that and had offered to let him stay in the guest room. Riley turned him down. Why cause more problems than necessary? More problems as in all the things he had to explain to his parents.

The next morning he awoke to the smell of eggs and bacon and as he stumbled out of bed and into the hallway he saw his mother at the stove cooking away.

"Morning Ma," he said coming up next to her and giving her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning Hun, here you go," she said, handing him the plate.

As Riley sat down and devoured his breakfast, he couldn't help but think denial wasn't so bad.

…

"Zane told me you went over to his house for dinner last night," Anya said in a singsong voice as she and Riley walked down the halls of Degrassi. "How was it?"

"It was great. Zane's mom is amazing. But did he also mention that my mom caught us kissing?"

"No. Way. How did she react?"

"Eh, could've been better."

"So, what do you think about the ski trip coming up? Are you going to go?" Anya asked excitedly.

"I_ want_ to, but I don't know if I can."

"Well you need to find out ASAP!" she said, adjusting her books in her arms. "I mean, _imagine_, snow covered hills, a fancy lodge, outdoor hot tubs, and maybe you could even a secret passionate kiss on the ski lift with Zane."

"Oh Anya, you are such a romantic."

…

"So," Riley said. "There's this school ski trip next week and I was wondering if I could go…"

"No." his father said, barley glancing up from his newspaper.

"Well, I told this girl Anya I would be there." He said.

His father looked up, "A girl? What about her?"

Riley looked at his father with realization and slight disgust. But he really _did_ want to go and spend time with his friends, and especially Zane. "We're kinda going out…," Riley lied.

Mr. Stavros eyebrow's rose, "Really? Then I guess you can go. Just… stay safe," he winked. Riley grimaced, he didn't need—or want— to hear his dad make awkward sex jokes.

As Riley walked back to his room, he knew he should feel guilty, guilty for lying about being with Anya. But he got permission to go skiing and that was what mattered….right?


	5. Chapter 5

Riley glanced around the ski lodge as Drew talked noisily in his ear, but Riley wasn't really paying attention. He watched as Mr. Simpson received a stack of room keys from the guy at the front desk. He noticed Anya was farther back in the group of students, laughing with Chantay and Jenna Middleton.

Anya really was gorgeous, with the way her dark hair shimmered from the reflective lights and the ambitious glint in her eyes. If things were different—if he didn't like boys and if she and him weren't as close as siblings— she would be the perfect girl for him. But things weren't that way. It would be easier, yes, if they were, but life isn't easy.

Anya deserved better than him anyway.

Riley saw Zane coming towards him out of the corner of his eye and smiled.

"Hey," Zane said. "Do you think there's any chance we'll be roomies?"

"I highly doubt it. Either way it probably wouldn't be a good idea."

"Why? Because I'm so irresistible?" he smirked.

_Yes_, Riley thought. "No," he said.

"Riley. You're with KC Guthrie." Mr. Simpson said, slapping the room key card into Riley's palm. "Zane, you're with Joey Desmond." He said, handing Zane a card too before walking away.

"Could be worse," Zane shrugged. "Wanna head towards the slopes?"

"Sure," Riley said.

As the two rode up the ski lift, Riley couldn't help but stare at Zane. He looked cuter than usual. Riley could see his hair sticking up out of the gap between his snowboarding goggles and his gray hat. Zane was very particular about his hair and it was fun to see it in a different style then gelled and spiked. His cheeks, which were pink from the cold, peeked out from a large dark green scarf. Zane looked over at Riley and smiled.

"What are you looking at?"

"Just you," he replied. "Wanna race?" Riley wasn't the best snowboarder and knew Zane was crazy good. Along with being competitive, like him, Riley knew Zane couldn't resist.

"Absolutely," Zane looked down, smiled, and said, "Ready… 3…2…"

The "one" was muffled as Zane jumped of the lift. Riley jumped off himself but knew he was going to lose since Zane was already shredding away, nearly halfway down, even adding in some jumps.

When Riley got to the bottom he was met with Zane's smirking face, "I win," he smiled. "What's my prize?"

"What do you have in mind?" Riley said, almost a whisper.

Zane's eyes flashed, "Let's go back to your room." he said.

Riley nodded and headed back towards the front entrance with Zane following close behind.

As they just about reached the door to Riley's room, a bunch of football players including KC came out talking loudly. They walked past the two with out a word and KC gave Riley a nod before heading off with them. Drew came out last.

"Hey guys," he said. "There's this party, it's supposed to be awesome. You gonna go?"

"Nah, we're gonna hang out here," Zane said and Riley blushed a little.

"Oh ok cool." Drew said. "So I'm guessing I should knock when I come back?" he smirked before walking away.

Riley slid the key card though the slot, causing it to blink green.

Once the door was closed, Zane grabbed ahold of Riley's collar, smashed his lips to his, and pushed him down on the bed. Eventually all the snow gear was off and haphazardly tossed to the floor.

Riley ran his hands up Zane's chest, reminded of their past summer together. It was a time where Riley didn't have to worry about being seen by people he knew. He could have a carefree relationship without all the drama school brought.

Zane moved his hands from behind Riley's head to the hem of his shirt, and gently tugged.

"Wait," Riley gasped between a kiss. "Drew might come back or something. Or what if there's an emergency and someone comes busting down the door."

Zane gave him a look, "Really?"

"Yes really."

"Fine," Zane sighed and rolled so he was lying beside Riley instead of on him. "Now what are we going to do?"

"We could watch a movie." Riley suggested.

"Ok, but I get to pick." Zane said reaching over him to grab the remote off the end table.

_This wasn't such a bad idea_, Riley thought halfway though the movie. He didn't mind cuddling.

All of a sudden someone pounded on the door, "Guy's open the, ugh, door." Drew yelled.

"Told you so," Riley smirked and Zane rolled his eyes He got up, crossed the room and opened the door to see Drew with a very drunk-looking KC in his arms.

"He's smashed," Drew said, dragging KC and tossing him onto the bed.

"Ungh," KC grunted and rolled over before passing out again.

"He's your problem now," Drew said, disappearing down the hall.

"I should go too…" Zane said.

"Of course," Riley rolled his eyes.

"Hey, it's almost curfew anyway. And have some fun; draw on his face or something." Zane smirked before following Drew out the door.


End file.
